Monday, February 14, 2005
Chinese New Year in Malaysia has come and gone.
I have realised that Penang is not the place I once held dearly in my heart. The only and sole reason I look forward to going back is to see my family. Being with my family also shows me how mean and cruel my sisters still can be.
I have always envied my friends siblings. They actually care
for one another, take care of one another.
Well, at the airport, I was in front of my sister about to queue up for immigration when she overtook me and went first and walked off without waiting for me! The way she sees and treats my parents is also very questionable. Sometimes I just want to shake the living daylights out of her and scream at her to please don't take my parents kindness for granted!!!
My eldest sister has improved loads but still is bitchy. She whines and makes rude comments and faces when they want us to visit my grandma's house. "WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO??! I HATE DOING THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO!!!" She then proceeds to direct the question me... and I tell her that it doesn't harm us in any way and my parents want us to do that. She then whines somemore and I want to tell her that although I may not want to do it either, I do want to make my parents happy and that's enough for me.
Don't think I am so full of filial piety.
My parents are angels to their kids. They shower us with love and basically whatever we want anytime. There are 5 of us kids around and til this day I am amazed by my mum's never-ending capacity to love all of us equally. And believe me, that's fucking difficult. There are usually bound to be favourites. But for my mum, all of us deserve her love, and she gives it willingly, and for that, she's my angel. My dad too accomodates us whenever we can. You can really feel his care for us and it's sweet because he's usually the typical Chinese, unemotional fella.
Gong Xi Fa Cai. (May prosperity be with you)
Over and Out.
Posted at 02:33 pm by leodisaster
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Contemplating on the year gone by, I have come to the conclusion that I can never find the right man. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not looking for anyone to settle down with. But think about it, my first boyfriend was my first puppy love so that never worked out, my second one was just plain immature, my third was emotionally dysfunctional and unstable and my current fling just doesn't want to settle down.
Heck, I don't even want to settle down, but to get a semblance of verbal commitment from him would be comforting. As my friend puts it, we're both just 'scratching each other's backs'.
Another new beginning is here and by that I mean the start of a school term, not 2005. I've been working this past month so everything has been good and I've been staying over at his place so much. But now what? I have school, he has work. Can I keep this up? Going over to his place every weekend? Draining myself but having fun at the same time? Would he still want me to go over? He says he still does, but you know how things change.
Anyway, I'm just living in the moment. Doing what makes me happy. I like it when he calls me babe, when he tells me he misses me, when he holds my hand. As time goes on, I wonder if he feels more, or if this is just a natural development and evolution from a lust-filled fling.
At the start, very little affection was shown. There were lustful kisses in bed, long hours just going at it then falling asleep, but very little else. No consideration, hurtful words etc.
Now, when I ask him to do something he does, I tell him I'm not comfortable with his friendship with this girl, he stops, when we go out, he takes hold of my hand, when we're watching tv, he holds it too, he puts his arm around me in public, he cooks for me (seldom), he messages me to tell me he misses me, he waited for me almost every day for at least half an hour, waited for me to finish work so we could have dinner together, he let me stay at his place every day, he did my laundry during the weekend.
We do have our bad moments, we argue, we fight, but inevitably, by the time both of us fall asleep, we clear things up, so everything ends well. A stabilised relationship but very very real, and very unsure.
My friend thinks it'll never work out and I have never believed it will. So am I wasting my time here? Why maintain a relationship (by 'relationship', I mean 'friendship-fling') if nothing's going to work out?
The answer? I. don't. know. I enjoy his company very much, is that enough? He likes me well enough too. Oh well, somehow I don't have a very good feeling about a new beginning (but then again I never have. There were about 4 other new beginnings before this but we still maintained this relationship).
All in all, 2004 was good. I gained friends, I lost a bad one, I gained a good, new-to-me relationship-fling and it's been going on for almost 11 months, I fell out of debt, I subsequently fell back into debt, I went on a great eye-opening internship, I did badly for exams, I started being good to and caring (really caring) for my parents and family, my sister stopped caring for me, and I have period cramps now.
Happy New Year everyone.
Posted at 01:33 pm by leodisaster
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
What would you do if you were at a holiday resort which was unexpectedly and horrifically hit by a tsunami?
What would you do then if tens of bodies lay around you, people were dying, thousands of fish were washed ashore?
I don't know about you, but I'd sure as hell not stay there. I'd want to be home, with my loved ones, feeling so grateful that my family is safe.
Apparently one British couple doesn't feel the same way: "We are not going to leave just because of this", "It has been an exciting Christmas, fortunately we are safe"
You may not be from this state nor country, but please try to feel for the people around you. You're enjoying your stay, frolicking, jet skiing at a place which are the graves of many.
Another case in point of a SINGAPOREAN man
who could not go to his holiday in Thailand as his flight was cancelled. His money was not refunded. His grouses? He doesn't get his money back and he doesn't get to holiday.
Be fucking thankful that you're still breathing. Because if you did manage to catch that flight to Phuket, you'd be buried under sand and water, dead. So please don't appear on national tv and make such insensitive remarks.
Today my friend brought back The Star
newspaper. The first thing that immediately came to mind was to check the names of those in Penang who had perished. I thank God that so far, no one's name I know has come up. I thank God that my sister wasn't there when the wave struck, she was there exactly 1 week before for a hotel stay. I thank God that Penang was spared so many deaths when other countries have had to face tens of thousands.
We are all more aware now. At least I am.
So humbled by the power of Nature's forces...
Posted at 09:30 pm by leodisaster
Monday, December 27, 2004
Could not fathom how such a huge calamity could strike upon Penang when I received the email from my mother. Checked the news.
Penang island? Over 40 dead? Batu Ferringhi? I go there. I buy my pirated VCD's from there, I drive around there. Tanjung Tokong too...
I am, eternally grateful that our house is on high ground. My family is safe. Apparently my sister was water sporting there just a week before this catastrophe happened.
Usually I feel sad when such a thing happens, but this time it hit me hard. My family is on that tiny island. I am so thankful that they are safe, and that though many people have perished, many more are still alive.
What has happened surely is a note to everyone that no matter how advanced we think we are, nothing can defeat the forces of nature. Such a powerful thing to crash upon our heads when we least expect it.
I have friends from Sri Lanka. Hit the worst. Please be okay... I hope anyone who might chance upon this site will send a prayer to the people who were there.
Singaporeans, please give a shit. I went to work today and only 1 nonchalant sentence was mentioned. Nobody cared.
I hope fervently that no one I knew died. Penang is small. Penang is so physically weak.
20,000 and counting.
Posted at 08:51 pm by leodisaster
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Back from another long weekend. Again.
Twas good. Fought only once. About a boy I'm getting close too. I see someone has feelings too huh?
I just told him on the phone that he has nothing to worry about. Because 'I really like you. And I don't like him'.
He changed the subject right after because he/I was so embarrassed.
It's so good to have someone beside you. I'm not ready to make that emotional/physical commitment somehow.
Was retelling my stories of woe to him regarding my ex.
How he used to:
emotionally abuse me
emotionally manipulate me
make me into a wreck.
I'm thankful I'm out of that situation. It's honestly really probably due to my fling now. I do have him to thank. He has helped me through many situations. He has done wonders for me ego. With him I can be myself, honest. So cliched, but it's the truth. I can tell him when I need to shit, I can complain when he farts, I can stare at his armpits and scrutinize the individual hairs on him and laugh, I don't cover up my pimples, I let him look up/down my shirt without my bra on and I'm fine. No insecurity. At all. Even when I acknowledge my flaws. Still no insecurities about my body, looks, face. And I love that feelin.
I hate feeling so sappy but it's good to brush our teeth together, to wake up curled together, to play around when just waking up, wrestling and laughing our heads off, having smelly breath together (haha), going out for meals together... and this time he takes my hand to hold it while walking, and it's not akward, laughing at/with each other, walking out together and me noticing this late 20s girl staring at him, I'll just turn to him and say 'hey, that girl's staring at you, she thinks you're hot, she so wants you', and he just goes 'i know'. And he in turn noticing 2 guys walking past me (that time he wasn't walking beside me so the 2 guys didn't know he was with me (as in, physically with me), and telling me 'eh, 2 guys just now staring, coz 1 guy saw you and became so wide eyed and elbowed his friend asking him to check you out' and me going 'really??? don't bluff.. haha ok, i understand why anyway'.
Hee hee. He just called back. And the first thing he said was 'I like you very much too leh...he. he. he (in sheepish tone)'
HEE! I'm on cloud 9. hahaha. He has said he likes me before... but not in this shy way. HAHA. This is so funny.
That's it. Confirmed. We both like each other very much. I have no reason to be jealous/hurt/angry anymore.
We'll see what happens, my fling and I.
Posted at 11:06 pm by leodisaster
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Curiosity killed the cat. But I'm still alive!
Just back from another interesting but ultimately good weekend.
No prizes for guessing from whose house!
Anyway, it turns out that there is another girl slowly creeping into his life... His next door neighbour. She's in her late 20's and surprise surprise, he's always told me he'd like an older woman preferably in her late 20's.
He said that there is nothing going on between them but being the bitch I am, I checked his phone while he was away and he has
been calling her and she has been calling him. He admits she comes over occassionally for a ciggie and sits down and chit chats with him for a while.
Not only that. On Saturday night, he had an outing with his boss, drinking and stuff. I was alone at his place most of the time entertaining myself, waiting for him to come back for at least 5 hours
. He comes back at 2 plus a.m., pissed drunk and I wake up and open the door for him, take care of him, hold his head back while he puked, stroked his back, threw the plastic bag full of vomit away, covered him with a blanket... etc.
The next day out of curiosity, I checked his phone again. He had called this fucking girl again. At 2 plus a.m. Probably right before he called me to open his door for him.
I felt so foolish and so angry and used. I'm not his beladi housewife. I hated him so much for that. Why the fuck did he call her for? I checked his inbox - She: Why u call me so late stupid boy? I can't slp anymore. WTF?! What the fuck do you want with him? I was infuriated with HIM. At his lack of consideration. I don't go messaging guys when I am with him. I don't call them. Fuck man, I was fucking pissed off. At first. Then something happened.
We were watching tv in the afternoon, legs entwined, lying down on the sofa. Out of the blue, this girl suddenly pops her head at the door, without knowing I was there. Boy, did her face change when she saw us, she hurriedly mumbled something and left. He called her on the phone to ask what she wanted, whether it was for a ciggie or not.
What they talked about is not the point of this mama drama story. The point is... I saw her
. And she has big boobs, an ok face, quite attractive. But honestly, nothing compared to me. HAHA. And I told him that. I told him 'You know, she looks like she can be quite attractive, has big boobs, not a bad looking woman, but you know what? Haha, if you decide to go for her... go bloody ahead. In the end it will be your loss and I'd like to see that happen'.
To which he actually admitted that the thought of that did cross his mind, but he has decided not to and that I'm heaps better.
So it comforted me to know that I know I may not be drop dead gorgeous but I can be fucking hot when I want to. And it comforted me to know that I didn't care if he went for her or not. Because if he did, I'd laugh in his face. I'm so much better than that.
And so that's what I did. I'm still peeved over the fact that he called her on Saturday night at 2a.m. What the fuck for?! But I haven't yet found a way to ask him that, and at the same time not have him find out I was checking his phone.
Posted at 09:37 pm by leodisaster
Friday, December 10, 2004
Need. More. Office. Clothes.
First week of work over. Judging from lack of entries, you can guess how hectic my life has been.
I was late the first day by about 5 minutes. Missed the bus stop.
Late the second day by 1 minute.
Late the third day by about 3 minutes.
Got a warning. Tee Hee. Apparently the boss is very particular about punctuality.
Work starts at 8.45 and ends at 6.30. Lunch from 1p.m. to 2p.m. Apparently many Singaporeans are workaholics. They work through lunch or only have at most a half hour lunch break.
*Sigh* So I can't possibly leisurely take a 1 hour lunch break right? What kind of impression would I be giving? So I think I've skipped at least 2 lunches already! *doh*
I begin to appreciate the Utopia of The Weekend more when I'm working rather than in school. It's 9 whole hours of being stuck in a stuffy air-conditioned room sitting in front of a computer, one hand on the mouse, the other tucked between your thighs (No not for that) to warm your almost frost-bitten fingers.
Supervisor piling up work, telling me 'No rush no rush' then 2 hours later: 'So, what have you finished??'
I've already been chided like 2 times for
1) not finishing work
2) not being focused
3) doing other people's work when I'm supposed to be doing mine
4) being late for work
HAHAHA. fun fun fun.
Starting to understand office politics and the reason it is oh so necessary to keep your eyes and ears open and mouth firmly SHUT.
Thank God for my fellow intern colleague who is just like me but less horny and slutty. We get along like a penis and lubricant.
Complain I do, but I am actually beginning to get the hang of things around here and I like it. I'm not made to do mindless jobs like making coffee, photocopying items. Rather, I actually do IMPORTANT (cheyyy) research and crunch numbers and analyse data etc. I'm learning a lot and I like it.
2 whole days to plan what to wear next Monday. Whoo hoo!
Cheers to next week!
Oh, and mewwy chwismas!
Posted at 07:56 pm by leodisaster
Monday, December 06, 2004
I got my internship! I got my internship!
*jumps around for joy*
I figure I shouldn't be late for my first day ya?
So, blog later, shower NOW.
Posted at 07:32 am by leodisaster
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
So looking forward of the prospect of going home tomorrow! But I'm angry at myself for letting myself miss someone back here in Singapore. I never wanted this situation ever again... To miss someone? For what in the end? It's not like we're in a relationship ya...
Oh well, I brought this upon myself I guess.
We'll see what happens, in the meantime, just hoping that he'll be good and that I won't be emotional.
Won't be penning in this probably for the next two weeks. Update then.
Fuck. I hate missing someone. The last time I saw him was last weekend. That sucks. Unfair. I didn't even get to see him tonight. Fucks. Fuckity Fuck.
Going for a smoke, pizza and coke. What a combo.
Posted at 01:17 am by leodisaster
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
When the cat is away, will the mouse come out to play?
I want my fling to want me.
I want him to tell me,"Look, I can't know that you're here in Singapore and going off to your hometown in two days and I can't see you til you come back??? I need to see you at least one more time!"
I want him to phone me and say,"Hey babe, I'm gonna miss you so so much, y'know that?"
I want him to rush over after work just to be able to see me.
I want him to call me up and suggest we meet up somewhere whenever I'm free at any time of the day/night.
Instead what does he do?
Me: I'll be leaving on Wednesday. Tomorrow's Tuesday.
Him: Oh ok. Then I guess I'll see you in 2 weeks.
It's ok. I like where we're at now. I've said that. He has his moments. He messaged me telling me to call him whenever I can and that he'd make himself available for me. He asked me out for dinner tomorrow but I had to decline and anyway his bosses asked him out for drinks on the same night after that. He calls me regularly. Usually on the journey back from work and before he goes to sleep. That's twice a day. At least. And that's excluded some other random ad hoc calls he sometimes makes during work and during his shit breaks.
He was the sweetest most loveable fella during my examination.
He'd take time off from work just to call me to wake me up for exams. He'd be so encouraging, peppering his sentences with,"You know I don't mean to nag you... but it's for your own good". When I stay over at his place, he'd make sure I studied, he'd be there when I needed him. Sometimes he'd leave me alone to study in his room, when the door would open and he'd be all looking proud saying he'd cooked me maggi mi, he carried a huge chair into his bedroom so I'd have somewhere to sit which would support my back, he fixed a lamp for me so that I would have sufficient light to read, he installed a program on his computer because he thought I'd need it to view my webcasted lectures... I can go on and on...
He is really great.
It's a pity we have no future together.
At present, our relationship is that of a couple actually. But once in a while, he, as well as I, will make random comments about how we're completely satisfied with our single lives. Even I made such a comment recently saying how I wasn't emotionally ready to be with any guy yet. Our conversations drift from cars, to how Singtel converts text messages to voice messages when they are sent to land lines, from movies, to whether we want a weekend away at Bintan, from his ex girlfriends to my ex boyfriends, from heated discussions about the elections and finally agreeing that we are in no position to judge to how Chinese culture is essential to our identity as Chinese people... I can go on and on...
We fight though. Not all the time, not frequently. We fight occasionally. And a fight happened when we went to Johor last weekend. What happened? We just got irritated with each other at the shopping centre. I refused to give in so I walked away by myself. He refused to give in. Finally I took the first step by walking back to him. He took the next by apologizing.
Thanks babe. You make my day. Every day. You will never read my blog, and never know how I feel about you, because I'll never make it known to you, but I care about you a lot. I say I don't. I say you can walk away anytime, but to tell you the truth, it will hurt me insanely if you do.
I don't know how long I'll be back in Malaysia, most probably it'll be about 10 days. I'll miss you like hell, and you'll never know. You'll never know because I laugh during our conversations and make it seem like no big deal. But you know, when you fail to tell me you miss me and want to see me, it makes me sad. When my smiles are big and laughter is loud, it's because I'm happy to be around you, but you'll never know, because you think that I'm smiling because of something I'm reading in a book and I'm laughing at something on tv. I tell you to go out and have fun and have your own life, but inside, I'm worried that you have so much fun outside, you don't see the point of seeing me anymore, but again, you'll never know, and I'll never tell.
You'll never know how I enjoy it when you kiss my ears and make me tickly and tingly all at once inside.
You'll never know how much I treasure those chaste kisses upon my cheek whenever I request for them.
You'll never know how blessed I feel when your fingers entwine mine.
You'll never know that I am grateful for the arm my head lays upon at night when we lie in bed together.
You'll never know how happy I feel when we're in bed and we start playing footsie together.
You'll never know what a blessing in disguise it was when I met you and we got close, when you let me into your life and I let you into mine, when you let me stay, and so did I.
You'll never know...
And I'll never tell you...
The thought of being worried crosses my mind. I'll be away 2 weeks. We have no verbal commitment between us. I brush that aside because I want to have faith that we like each other enough to keep our hands to ourselves and only for ourselves. I need to have faith that you'll be thinking of me while I'm away, itching to dial my number like you always do, wanting to see me at the door of your house while you grab the keys, hoping to hold me close like you sometimes do when we walk together.
We've done so many things together; laugh, cry (me, not you!), complain, chide, chastise, praise, compliment, flatter, joked, been serious, cared, hugged, been intimate.
I know these moments won't last forever, they might not even last for much longer; but I know I'm happy in this moment here with you.
I have written this post at the risk of sounding mushy/corny/cliched.
I hope I won't have to look back on this anytime soon and sigh at the memories of a longing-to-be-forgotten past.
I just want to tell you that I like you very much.
Take care and be good while I'm away...
Posted at 03:27 am by leodisaster